May through June

May and June were a whirlwind. I was so caught up with that Organic Chemistry class I barely had time for anything else. I did, however, make time for Carter. I would get out of class earlier most nights and stop by his house for some chill time or some sexy time. Or even both. All of that was still in a very affectionate but platonic relationship we have. It’s such an odd relationship I think I’ll save it for another time to fully analyze and nitpick it. But that was a pretty decent constant in my life.

I also managed to work more than expected. I got roleplaying jobs and I got a decent receptionist job at a car dealership. That was a ton of fun just because of the characters that work at car dealerships. That and because I am almost positive everyone thought I was at least 4 years older than my actual age. I got 2 real dates out of that job though. Real actual dates with people I barely knew. I mean that has NEVER happened to me. EVER. I was so happy! The first date came in June so I will save the other for later. The first date was with a man named Edwin. He was 24 and from West Africa. He was so smart and so intelligent. We talked about NPR and the government and politics and religion and travel and college and everything! I had never felt more intellectually matched before. But sadly towards the end of our date, he decided to say he was looking for that “one person to settle down with, and I think you are that one.” WHOA. Slow your roll hero, what?! After one date I am suddenly “the one”? I mean I believe in love at first sight or so but we did not zing! (points if you get the reference). That was such a let down.  So I didn’t have a second date on that one. Then an older hispanic salesman tried to take me out salsa dancing. He has a wife AND a daughter. That was so not okay. But it was still fun because I got to feel like what it is to be a grownup for a few hours. It was fun and interesting.

Through all this craziness I ended up with an A in organic chem and to be quite honest, I found it easy and almost fun. I hate to brag but seriously, if you have a good enough chemistry foundation, Organic Chem should not be that difficult for you.

Other than Carter, I hooked up with Kyle again after almost a year. It was fun and he bought me chipotle so hollaaa. I also hooked up with the guy who took my virginity (I don’t think I ever gave a name for him so from now on his name is Marius). What is hilarious to me, is by the end of June, I had cultivated a relationship of multiple partners and each partner knew about the others. It was perfectly stable and deliciously flexible. Each person got their time and I had a different needs of a relationship filled by each one. I’ll expand on that later. All in all, my may through june was fun a successful.

Sadly that does not continue to the rest of my summer….. more on that later!

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God it’s been a long ass time

Goodness Gracious I have severely neglected this poor blog. I think it helps me track my life and get what I need to say out. There is a lot of catching up to do since I last posted. Shit my last post was march and not its september? Fuuuuck. Okay here goes nothing:

My spring semester got really crazy because of lacrosse. And to be honest, there were times where I felt so overwhelmed at everything going on that I would just sleep. Because sleeping was easier than having to deal with the homework or class. Sleep became a refuge for me. I would repeatedly miss my 830am class just to sleep more.  Also If I was staying over with someone (ahem William), I would miss class. And not even on purpose. I just kind of stopped caring.

Lacrosse also became a source of stress and anxiety. I welcomed any excuse to get out of working out or going to practice. I got pink eye because of a sinus infection and I played it up so much so I didn’t have to practice. The same thing when I got a stomach bug. i made sure to throw up at practice so I would get sent home. I feel like an awful person but I knew I really wouldn’t be playing in the games. But towards the end of the season, we had this big team talk and I felt more like a part of the team. Everyone said I was a big part of the team so that made me feel a lot better. The end of the semester as a whole was a lot better than the beginning. I think maybe once the end was in sight, I took my head out of my ass and actually started doing better. I kind of used lacrosse as a crutch, blaming lacrosse for my academic issues. Once I showed my teachers that I could actually do my work and do well, they kind of gave me some slack. I pulled up a C to an A- by the end of the semester.

Then my lacrosse told us she would be leaving. I was so upset because she was such a big help to me and such a big supporter of everything I did. She always tried to help me with a problem and she was like a mom to you while you were at college. No matter what anyone says, we are never going to find someone else like her for a coach. I love her so much it’s hard to see her go.

I think by the end, I was just ready to go home. Lucky for me, one of my best best best friends Carter moved like 10 minutes away from me so I was going to see him all the time! But what was waiting for me wasn’t exactly any better. I had a class over summer waiting for me and it was Organic Chemistry, of all classes. Plus I didn’t have much of a job either. I was doing temp work for a company but it isn’t consistent enough to make me any kind of real money after taxes. But My July schedule was madness. I was literally going to be home for all of maybe 10 days. So no one was going to hire me if I could only work for 10 days in July. I just hoped for more temp work when I was home in July and hoped for some in August. I got some work as a receptionist at a dealership, which is another post ENTIRELY.

basically I made it through the summer by the skin of my teeth and am now snugly-ish back into the routine of my college life. I’ll post more summer details later because it was a doozy.

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To my Coach:

Dear Coach,

Honestly, when you asked us to write this letter to you I was kind of at a loss for what I could say. You said we were all hiding away in separate closets and we weren’t “there”, we went off a hid somewhere and you wanted us back.

Well to be honest I had no idea what you were talking about at least when it came to myself. I really wasn’t playing in the games and I thought I was pushing myself in practice. Both you and Dub had said I was working hard and to just keep that up. And I had come into this season realizing I had a lot of work ahead of me to keep up with Madison and Catie so I knew what I needed to do.

But after a lot of reflection (thats why this took so long, I apologize) I realized that I was making excuses for myself. If I found myself having a bad practice I would blame it on my lack of experience or my bad high school experience or my lack of a quality coach in high school. I would blame my fitness on bad genetics. My dad says all the time that none of us are either fast or have endurance so after a while I let that become a mantra.

I also let myself be a follower. Everyone else was hiding away in their closets so I let myself do the same thing.  If the older girls weren’t pushing themselves in practice, I wouldn’t either. Or even if Madison was in a bad mood I would let that spread to me. But especially if I saw the juniors or seniors taking it easy, I wouldn’t push myself as hard. I understand the older girls are supposed to be leaders but if they aren’t being good leaders, I shouldn’t follow them.

I need to stop making excuses for myself. I’m the only thing holding myself back. It isn’t bad genetics or bad experiences or crappy past coaches. The only that matters is what is happening now.

One thing that you and Coach Dub said about me is that you liked my character. I need to let the character I show you on the sidelines seep into all facets of myself, from practice to workouts to games. I need to make sure I am always doing my best and pushing myself to do better.

Now that I have made all of these realizations, its going to be harder for me to go back into that closet. I don’t like to regress. I want to learn all the time and keep learning. It is going to be easier for me to know when I am making excuses. I need to be more independent when it comes to my psyche on the field and really focus on my mental game as well as my technical game.

Lastly I just wanted to say thank you. You care about this team and about us as players a lot. I haven’t really had a coach like this before. My travel team coach was like this but I didn’t have as much interactions with her after the one season. So I just wanted to thank you for actually caring and putting your heart and soul into this team. I know what it’s like being a coach and all you do for the team. My mom started my schools field hockey team and you have to constantly be a coach, 24/7.  You guys watch game film and other teams and look for new drills and plays and make plans for our team as well as recruiting and fundraising. I know there is so much that goes into your job so I just wanted to thank you for going that extra mile and really caring a lot. Because I know what it feels like to have a coach give up on a team.

Sincerely,

The Goalie

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A New Experience

William and I have been hanging out a lot for the past three weeks maybe. We’ve been able to talk and learn a lot about one another and one thing I always knew, but never was around for, was his marijuana habit.

Now William likes to smoke weed, a lot. And I mean a lot, a lot. He can go through an eighth in a day I think he said? Thats a lot, at least from my meager understanding of drugs. See and thats the second facet to this wonderful gem, I am absolutely clueless when it comes to drugs. Sure I drink alcohol and while the potheads will argue that it is worse of a drug than weed, it’s not as illegal. But I am so clueless it’s not even funny. I never did anything in high school, not even drink. My friends and I were so straight edged you could use us as a razor for God’s sake. And so now that I am involved with someone who uses a TON, it puts me in a weird position.

Now to back track a bit this is by no means my first time being involved romantically or physically with a person who smokes. My last 4 relationships (of any kind) were with smokers of some degree whether it be occasionally or heavy use.

So this lifestyle is not necessarily new to me but it has never been opened up to me. The past guys kind of kept it hidden and never smoked around me. William, on the other hand, has no issues leaving me for 5 or 10 minutes to go smoke. And I’m not going to raise an issue with it either because he did that before I even knew him. I’m not his girlfriend, I’m not going to try and change him.

But it all started when he would leave and go smoke with his friends. Generally I took this as my cue to leave the house and I would. I would be on my merry way and he would be on his way to mary. But then I started to come over earlier in the night and stay the whole night so I couldn’t just pick up and leave. I would just wait and do my homework until he would come back.

Then one night we were the only ones awake and he wanted to smoke so he asked if I would sit with him because he doesn’t like to do it alone. So I went and sat next to him and watched him smoke. He offered a couple times but I declined. It never appealed to me. I mean I was always curious but it was never accessible really so I never tried it. Then  this past weekend William and his brothers went to go smoke and I didn’t want to be alone so I went with them just to sit again. They passed around a bong a bunch of times, offered it to me once in a while but I always declined.

Then the brothers left and it was just William and me. We were flirting and kissing in between him taking a hit and then he offered it to me again.

I said no and he just says “Why? I know you don’t want to but why?”

I said “It’s not something I want to start. I don’t want it to form a habit that I can’t pay for. I have to be careful because addiction runs in my family” and some other reasons.

He just says “I’m not going to pressure you but just try it. Just once. It’ll be something the two of us share, it’ll be nice” and then he kisses me softly and kisses my nose and it was a cute moment

So little straight edged me says yes.

And boy did I get high. It was actually a really cool experience because you perceive everything different. It kind of feels like when you are tired and dizzy at the same time but you can’t shake it off, but in a good way! It felt like a better version of being drunk. I was caught up in the textures of everything and the way my body felt. I remember just my body feeling really awesome and I couldn’t stop giggling. It was almost like someone was constantly tickling me, I was giggling so hard! It was a really cool experience and I am glad that I did it.

Now will I do it again is the pertinent question.

I honestly do not have an answer to that. I might I might not but I do not see myself doing this all the time. Personally, I don’t have time to get high all the time. Mostly because after maybe and hour or two, I don’t really remember, I passed the fuck out and slept for eight or nine hours straight. I was just out like a rock and slept. I did feel great the next morning but I can’t be doing that every night!

So I’m not really sure where weed fits in my future but I have a feeling it will always be there somewhere. At least for now while William is around 🙂

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Kinky Sex

Thanks to one of my best friends Carter, I have now started to love kinky sex and fooling around. We had been fooling around for a while (I’ve talked about him before when he was taken but now he’s siiiingle) and one day while doing homework he decided to tie me up, yeah with hand cuffs and a bets and a bandana and it was GREAT! mostly because I just wanted to try and get out but it it was so freaking awesome. And we have just been doing stuff like that back and forth and it is great! Over winter break he kind of started it too because I was at his house fooling around and he blindfolds me and I was like whoaaa it was so cool. And he also videotaped us which I am still kind of apprehensive about because video is so permanent. It’s always there and can always be found which is kind of scary…

But moral of this story, Kinky sex is now my favorite thanks to Carter

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I Can’t Be Single

So I have decided that physically or emotionally or for whatever reason, I cannot remain single. I look for some kind of relationship where ever I go. It doesn’t matter if it’s friends with benefits or like a real exclusive relationship, I have to have one.

After breaking up with the long distance boy, I was at a fraternity house on campus and I was pretty drunk, not blackout but pretty gone. One of the brothers, Luke, kissed me and I was like you’re hot but nooooo that is a horrible idea. He’s kind of an asshole so I was sober enough to realize that (GO ME!!). But then I start talking to one of the other brother, William.

Now William and I didn’t really have much of a history of anything with each other. We hung out at parties a few times over winter and I always was kind of attracted to him. He has a fu personality and is super sweet and gives awesome hugs. So we were talking and he was really close to me and just went in for a kiss. And then we started making out and it was great but I was drunk so Carter, best friend ever, was like “Hey it’s time to go home now” so drunk me was like YEAH! SO I went back with Carter but not before giving William my number. Funny enough Carter and I ended up fooling around (oops sorry William) and then I slept over.

BUT William did text me the next day and we were texting for pretty much the entire week until Saturday night and I went out and back to the frat house and he gave me a drink and we played pong (had a four game win streak, holla!) and the we were just flirting and having an amazing time and I spent the night. But what was nice and refreshing is that we didn’t have sex! We cuddled and talked and watched old british sitcoms and it was awesome. We stayed in bed until 1:00pm the next day. We did kind of fool around the next morning but no sex. It was just an awesome night. Since then, I’ve pretty much stayed with him almost every night.

What is kind of worrisome is that we haven’t really talked about what we are to each other. Like I don’t know if we are exclusive or not and we are just kind of avoiding really having a serious conversation about that.

He is also seriously considering transferring to University of Alabama for next semester. That makes me so upset and it goes back to my “my chronic illness” post. Such bad fucking timing. And it sucks because we just started hanging out and it’s just kind of sad. He’ll start talking about with with some of his frat brothers and I’m always like “please don’t leave….” So we will see where this goes…. Hopefully not to Bama.

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Long Distance Breakups

Long distance relationships are hard but breaking up is harder. Yeah you don’t have to look the person in the eyes and basically say what we had wasn’t good enough for me, but you also send the message that you are too much of a bitch to actually say it in person.

I never broke up with a person through text message, phone call or anything besides in person, looking them in the eyes. I have been broken up with through text (on valentines day no less) and through phone calls and through any means possible besides face to face so I know how it makes a person feel. It’s like you aren’t even worth it to the other person, like you don’t even matter enough to have one last conversation.

But long distance relationships make that option almost entirely impossible. You can’t call up the other person and say hey we need to talk lets have dinner or hey I need to talk to you, lets hang out. We were four hours away and you just can’t pick up the phone and have the other person there. So you are left with the shitty impersonal and just downright mean ways to break up with someone.

And even if the situation sucks, you still end up looking like the bitch because you broke up with your boyfriend through the phone.

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